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heart hurts so much. can't do much but have faith and hope. i love you.

random thought

i miss being single... but am so thankful and blessed with what i have <3 ty Lord

first blog of the year -_-

wow... reading what you write on other people's status... was i really just a blur? you had to wait 5 years to find out he was the one... and you said all the things you said to me. and you said you were the real one..pff. i can do the same thing you're doing, "THOSE 10 MONTHS WAS A WASTE OF MY TIME" .. how do you feel now? before you write something, consider the other person's feelings. isnt that what you taught me? cause hell, you taught me a lot and i didnt do one shit to you? and to think i wanted to end in better terms, i dont think so anymore. you're wack, fake and uh... whatever else you wanna be.

was it worth it

i heard what was said on your blog... about you being with vaughn for "years"... so what was us? just time away from him? were feelings even real? dont tell me shit anymore cause i dont know if i believe you anymore. was my time worth it? if it made you grow then im glad. but was i just someone to make you realize vaughn was the one? i told you to go back. i didnt know you well enough before and i still dont know if i know you well enough now. would you really have gone back to him if you wanted to? cause you did in the end. it bugs me that you said something like that cause im not some piece of trash or an experiment... some person to make someone realize im not the one. its happened with jenn and its happened with you. i have so much respect for the friends you introduced me to cause now they understand what im going through or what i went through. it sucks... just so you know.... it fuckin hurts more than anything you have done to me. dont compare cause i had 10 whole months of lies and deceit. dont you dare compare....

better late than never

today i saw an episode of one tree hill and it involved a flashback of payton and julius dating. julius saw that payton was reading her ex luca's book all the time. something kept her with him. julius saw this and ended it as soon as he saw the book in her bag when they were about to leave for vacation.

this is similar to my situation... thing is julius saw this first before i did. i saw it after things have ended, he ended it because he saw it. so many people have told me it wasnt fair for me but no one was willing to tell me at the time. i had to figure it out myself. im done, im doing this for myself...

well whenever u read this... ull understand some things..

if ur upset at me, thats fine. we dont txt each other or talk anymore cause i dont want to bug. thats my choice. i dont want to bug and i dont want to hurt anymore. we both said we needed to restart and grow together but i felt like i couldnt cause of him. i cant cause he's in the picture. i just couldnt do it... hurt too much and i guess i got too comfortable with the thought that we'd grow together all the time but that was me being naive.

i dont know ur reasons but it was ur choice not to contact me either. i hope u can be happy with him. im sure u can/will/are

the more i see shit.. the more i think about it... it pisses me off.

ya i like the girl whos her ading... how do u think i feel that ur dating a childhood friend. seriously?? and u know how i feel cause u went back to him... wtf?! it hurts knowing the person u love went to someone who u were friends with but now u just cant feel the same with them. now u know how i feel.

friends will support u no matter what. but better friends will tell u what u need to hear. they will tell u u deserve better... theyll give u advice, be there... tell u what they really think about the situation. the reason y the people u hang out with doesnt say shit about him is cause they're friends with him, close to him.

seriously... do what u want. it fuckin hurt seeing those pics in world of color and disneyland. fuck that. thats the one thing that reallly realllly got to me and i think im done. u do what u want and its for u if u want this back. but i dont know if i do anymore. u know what.. i dont think i do. ill find my someone, you've found urs. im lowkey happy for u but im hurting so bad cause of this.

this girl im with... i know she'll help me. she cares, she takes care of me. shes not u, but shes doing her best to make me feel special and show me the difference between u two.

i know ive fucked up...ive told u that. live ur life. its ur time. u enjoy and ill see/talk to u whenever, ill leave ur bday present at ur door cause i dont think i can see u anymore.

i think thats my last... i think this is my goodbye. God bless and take care of yourself. good luck to wherever u may go in ur career.

bye mon.

2 cents

she just jumped back into my head... my mind. i feel so empty without her.. like i cant feel. i miss her kiss, her hug, holding her hand, her smooth skin, her nice legs, her hair.... ughh everything. i dont know how to come up to her. i dont know how to approach this situation. shes happier, i think shes happier... is she happier? she keeps coming back.. is this a sign? is this an obstacle to get over for something better? good things must fall apart so better things can fall together. these pics all over the house, so many things remind me of her but i cant seem to put them away... its... its like my only pieces left of her in my life since i dropped her out of it. i cant stop to think if shes still in love... i dont want to assume so ill leave it at that. well.... maybe a shower will help... but then again, i get thoughts of her in there too -_-

hazaah

well... today i got reminded that my life is in God's hands and i know i keep getting reminded but i think this was a sign from Him that let Him deal with my troubles and my life and i just gotta live it. thank you Lord for sending me one of ur angels to save me and ur signs to help me get through this.

eeee

u know one thing that i see in most love stories or love movies? its time... timing is everything and thats something i gotta realize. just live my life up

hmpf

theres not much to be said or to feel. i feel lost, i feel like i wanna get away or just be gone period. no motivation to do anything, no inspiration. i shouldnt feel this way. as long as people r happy i should be happy too right? what can i do? what can i say? shall i revert back to drinking? should i revert back to blocking people out of my life? do i need alone time? i think i may... i really dont know what i can do at this point but do that. only answer whenever i feel like it and just be a bum or i can work out, do better and play basketball for the summer... i think i may just do that, be better. basketball day tomorrow so im kinda happy about that. lets hope i take shit out on the court.

as of now... fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you... oh and fuck you. now fuck off....

hmm

i hate seeing him, such a typical flip... gtfo. and i guess back to step 1. closed down those doors pretty quick, haha kinda glad and upset in a way. but what can i do... but to move forward :P

ay

ugh.. why'd i take a look at those pics. i was doing so well without her, not seeing her... i just think her friends are so shady like carl and them. u want it to be close friends, ok thats fine. damn it. i gotta let it go.... think LAkers... think LAkers... KOBE!!! :D ok good...

the only thing that keeps happy is being out with friends, playing basketball ofcourse or watching the LAkers or knowing the LAkers are champions... weeeee :D

well... anyways, peace... hope ur doing well and ur happy, u deserve it

:P

shes always in my mind... but this other girl has been easing in little by little. shes amazing, shes cuuute, shes fun and im totally comfortable with her. but am i only dating her cause of lust reasons or her being a rebound? i still dont know. but all i know is im hurt if shes been with "him". actions speak louder than words and i know it cause ive made my mistakes. but what can i do, as long as shes happy right? its ok, she'll have a great summer and come school time will be happy to be with whoever shes with. im gonna do my best to focus and just finish this semester to enjoy Christmas and New Years once again. ha... now that i think about it... its never been a good one with anyone, thought it was until i found out things later.

anyways... this girl im dating definitely eases my heart and brings my mind elsewhere... it brings me to her and being happy to be with her. holding her and such just calms me but like i said "is she a rebound?" sure doesnt feel like it, but im just gonna go with the flow and see where this takes me :]

back

ahhhhh its been so long since i used this but i think i need it now than ever. i have so much on my mind i cant think straight and hopefully this gets through to myself. well fuck everything cause Lakers win the championship for the 2nd straight season baby. i'm so fuckin stoked and stilllllllllll happy and will be happy the rest of this summer. its been an amazing run by them and it just motivates me to do better on the court. speaking of, we started our season playing against shake n bake, a team we think is our rivals this season.

well enough about basketball before i start ranting off into that. i dont have much else to say tho, still on that Laker hiiighh ;] i'll blog later if i find something to blog about

To my babu

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOOBOO!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I HOPE I CAN MAKE YOUR BIRTHDAY THE BEST OR ONE OF THE BEST! I CAN'T WAIT TO SPEND THE REST OF THE DAY WITH YOU AND MAKE YOU SMILE!!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT 19TH BIRTHDAY!

i miss it...

to be underwater is a different experience, one that can't be copied. so carefree, no worries whatsoever... just enjoying the scenery around you. all you can hear is you breathing through your mouth piece and you have all the time(not really, about 20 per session haha) in the world to appreciate the part of our world where only 10% has been explored and a few can experience. ahhh... i can't wait to do it in the philippines, i heard the waters there are beautiful.

patience is a virtue

^ haha. well sometimes she doesnt have it with me. haha jk. i just want to thank you for putting up with all my nonsense, immaturities, and my sexual innuendos most of all. i love you!


anyways, i texted paula v. today and just made sure everything is ok with her. i'll admit nigga, i do miss ya but hope all is good with dave and he really isnt your cousin hahaha. but seriously, try and have fun up there... its your time to yourself and friends you'll make, make the most of it <3


annnnnd it seems like the san diego people are leaving and i cant say bye to them :( i hope we'll get together at the anaheim sonics again. good times. just have fun tomorrow night you guys and trash alyssa's new place! lol jk. love ya all!

ahhhbuff

i miss you... i really do. looking back at the past makes me realize what i have now. we've grown so much together, through thick and thin, bad and good, ups and our downs. we've made it through all of them because we know we can't let this get away. i love you for you and what you do to me. i'm soo happy i can be myself around you and you still appreciate all that is me. but what got to me and what still gets to me is the things you've done for me. soooo much support, sooo much appreciation, soooo much respect i get from you. its all ive wanted from anyone really and its soo hard to find out there. you're the one that gives more than 100% everytime. you're the one that thinks of my wellbeing instead of your own. seriously, why hasnt anyone gotten you or realized what they've lost until they've lost it. in front of me or... lets say what i have now is really a diamond in the rough. so rare.... i thank you for all that you do and for all that you say you are. you've showed me the difference and you're still showing it. you push me to do all the things i should be doing, you feed me and feed me and feed me til im bloated, you surprise me with little things and for once you're not ashamed or mad that YOU have to step up sometimes. i know i get stupid, weak, stubborn and you're the one that pushes past my walls to get back to the way we are. i just want you to know im trying to do the same, im trying to be the best you've seen, i'm trying to show you the best of me and we have such a long way to go. 4 months in and it feels we've gone through so many things. i wouldnt take back anything we've gone through at all. you're seriously the best I ever had and you still seize to amaze me every single day. i adore all that is you and all that you do. i love you so much... words on here or any lyric that you sing can explain or express how much...

ridiculous. im stupid, you dont deserve this.



can't wait to get out of here, even if its just for a fuckin week. i know it'll help.



wtf. i dont even know whats running through my head anymore.